Hi there, I just got reading the previous articles. Well to me, I knew I was different from others at the age of 13 or so. I was attracted to guys then. I found certain types of men interesting to look at and would always look at them. But at that time, I did not know what this is about.
It is only about 3 to 4 years later that I used to use shopping centre toilets. Of course, keluar lepak dengan kawan-kawan sekolah. It is then that I became aware of messages behind toilet doors. I used to ead as many as I can and imagine what was happening. Actually at 17, there was a few times that I was approached but I chickened out. Only at 19, did I dare enter a toilet and try out a quickie! But was not a good experience. I promised would not do it again but somehow it happens again and again. At 20 I got a girl friend. Was long term but did not work out as I felt she having a university degree versus me who did not would not work well. After that I went all out cruising. Believe you me, in the 5 years of our friendship, I can count that the maximum number of men I cruised was 5.
But tastes change. Before I was not at all attracted to chub guys. It is only hen I met a guy about 1987 and I realised what it was. Until today he and I are good friends. But he is in KL now. I think he is the one who has made me see chub guys in a different way now.
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Sunday, July 06, 2003
Friday, July 04, 2003
i havent written for quite some time, not that i was bz or something like that (I am eternally bz with work, anyway) it's just that i found that writing for this blog proved to be quite a hard challenge, not everyday we experienced encounters and not every day we resort into slutness. Anyway, what Raden Putra @ istante wrote made me want to share my 2 cents worth. lately i have been questioning my gayness and my situation as a chub with homosexual tendency. True, history and environment play a major part in making me decide to be what i am as applicable to 'Zul's' friend who were unfortunate enough to be mishandled by his own uncle hence evoke his decision to be what he is today. What I am trying to get at is this: is it the whole truth? is it because of one particular or maybe a series of episodes that led us to resort to our own likings? Many people will gladly tell you his story of why he become gay in the first place, but then to me, the story were purely made up (not imposing that the story/ies wasnt true or anything, it just that it did happen but it's probably not the REAL reason) The episodes or the stories simply strengthening it but it wasnt the CAUSE. My theory : we (plu and the like) are afraid of women, or we respect women too much or women simply too fucking hard to handle. So we find comfort in men and embrace them whenever we can. i will let this linger on your mind and i welcome any feedback before i finally present my case with deliberation and arguments.
regards
rozman
www.deadjournal.com/users/tristrandoe
regards
rozman
www.deadjournal.com/users/tristrandoe
Thursday, July 03, 2003
Ada member minta tolong letak dialog ni... Kot2 sesapa nak bagi komen dipersilakan, topik mungkin agak heavy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knock! Knock! Aku ketuk pintu.
“Jap!” terdengar suara kat dalam bilik.
“Hi!”
“Huh?! Eh… hi… so betul ke aku ni orang yang ko nampak aritu?”
Aku cuma senyum. “Camana bleh tertidur? Apa ko buat arini?”
Dia menguap sekali. “Aku baru sampai. Penat siutt! Err… panggil aku Hari”
“Ok, panggil aku Zul.”
“Jap ekk… aku nak mandi jap” Dia pakai tuala dgn baju melayu masuk bilik air.
Aku lepak je kat katil, perati dinding dengan siling, kot2 ada lubang dan kamera tersembunyi. Paranoid betul aku.
Dia dah habis mandi, dan masih pakai tuala dgn baju melayu. Dan masih bulat dan gebu.
………………………………………………………….
Dia tidur terlentang, aku baring atas dada dia, mengadap muka dia.
“So, bila ko nak balik Penang?”
Dia tak jawap. “Macamana ko tau aku aritu? Ko ngendap aku chatting yer?”
“Ha’a. Aku lalu kat PC kau, aku nampak nama2 channel yg kau masuk. Heheh”
“Ko tau, aku panik giler masa kau tegur aku tu, tangan aku siap menggigil! Masa aku jalan ke luar tu pun menggeletar lagi! Aku ingat aku dah cover abis dah…”
“Ala… org yg tau mesti tau punyer… ko ada bagi satu renungan yg boleh diagak. Hehehehe…”
“Hmmm…abih tadi kau tak lari lak masa aku bukak pintu tadi?”
“Err? Napa kau cakap camtu? Kau penah kena ada org lari bila kau bukak pintu ke?”
“Takle… saja tanya. Mesti ramai chubby-chubby kat KL kau dah jumpa kan?”
“Wahhh!! Molottttt! Takda le… aku buat member jek! Lebih2 pun takda! Kalau dah kenal sebagai kawan aku buat jadi kawan aja…”
“Abih aku ni?”
“Err… dalam hal ni aku ni kira mangsa, kau goda aku suruh datang bilik kau… Hahahahah”
“Siutttttttttt!”
“Takle camtu. Aku ada unwritten rule kot, nak explain pun susah. Lain2 kali aja le. Kau citer le pesal kau, biar je aku baring atas dada kau ni…. Citer le apa2…Err, kau takda kutu kan? Hehehhe”
“Siutttttt! Heheh…”
“Hehehe.. ko perasan tak? Bila ko bercakap tetek ko ikut bergerak sekali. Hahahahah…”
“Woii!! Merapu je ko nih! Hehhehe… Eh! Ko tau, aku terjebak dalam dunia ni masa kecik."
"Duhh!! Isn't everyone?!"
"Citer aku panjang. Aku kena dengan uncle aku. Confuse, siut. Sanggup dia buat camtu kat budak2 yang tak tau apa2. Sakit. Aku menangis. Aku memang dendam dengan dia sampai sekarang. Sampai mati aku takkan maafkan dia."
"....."
"Aku grew up confused, marah kat diri sendiri. Aku taktau nak cakap kat sapa. Taktau nak mintak tolong kat sapa. Org2 kampung aku kenal dia sapa, kira org yg baik2 jugak, so mesti diaorg tak percaya dia buat macam tu. Akal budak kecik aku ni suruh aku makan banyak2, supaya badan aku besar, nanti aku boleh lawan dia balik, nanti aku boleh jaga adik2 aku kalau diaorg pulak kena kacau."
"....."
"Aku taktau apa diaorg pikir sampai sanggup buat camtu kat budak2 yang tak berakal. Tapi aku macam kena sumpah lak. Aku jatuh cinta dgn lelaki. Buat aku lagi confuse. Untung bebudak sekarang, diaorg byk tmpt nak luahkan perasaan."
"Bukan salah kau, beb... tu aja yg boleh aku cakap. Bukan nak offer comfort, aku tak pandai, tapi mmg bukan salah kau..."
(bersambung bila rajin...)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knock! Knock! Aku ketuk pintu.
“Jap!” terdengar suara kat dalam bilik.
“Hi!”
“Huh?! Eh… hi… so betul ke aku ni orang yang ko nampak aritu?”
Aku cuma senyum. “Camana bleh tertidur? Apa ko buat arini?”
Dia menguap sekali. “Aku baru sampai. Penat siutt! Err… panggil aku Hari”
“Ok, panggil aku Zul.”
“Jap ekk… aku nak mandi jap” Dia pakai tuala dgn baju melayu masuk bilik air.
Aku lepak je kat katil, perati dinding dengan siling, kot2 ada lubang dan kamera tersembunyi. Paranoid betul aku.
Dia dah habis mandi, dan masih pakai tuala dgn baju melayu. Dan masih bulat dan gebu.
………………………………………………………….
Dia tidur terlentang, aku baring atas dada dia, mengadap muka dia.
“So, bila ko nak balik Penang?”
Dia tak jawap. “Macamana ko tau aku aritu? Ko ngendap aku chatting yer?”
“Ha’a. Aku lalu kat PC kau, aku nampak nama2 channel yg kau masuk. Heheh”
“Ko tau, aku panik giler masa kau tegur aku tu, tangan aku siap menggigil! Masa aku jalan ke luar tu pun menggeletar lagi! Aku ingat aku dah cover abis dah…”
“Ala… org yg tau mesti tau punyer… ko ada bagi satu renungan yg boleh diagak. Hehehehe…”
“Hmmm…abih tadi kau tak lari lak masa aku bukak pintu tadi?”
“Err? Napa kau cakap camtu? Kau penah kena ada org lari bila kau bukak pintu ke?”
“Takle… saja tanya. Mesti ramai chubby-chubby kat KL kau dah jumpa kan?”
“Wahhh!! Molottttt! Takda le… aku buat member jek! Lebih2 pun takda! Kalau dah kenal sebagai kawan aku buat jadi kawan aja…”
“Abih aku ni?”
“Err… dalam hal ni aku ni kira mangsa, kau goda aku suruh datang bilik kau… Hahahahah”
“Siutttttttttt!”
“Takle camtu. Aku ada unwritten rule kot, nak explain pun susah. Lain2 kali aja le. Kau citer le pesal kau, biar je aku baring atas dada kau ni…. Citer le apa2…Err, kau takda kutu kan? Hehehhe”
“Siutttttt! Heheh…”
“Hehehe.. ko perasan tak? Bila ko bercakap tetek ko ikut bergerak sekali. Hahahahah…”
“Woii!! Merapu je ko nih! Hehhehe… Eh! Ko tau, aku terjebak dalam dunia ni masa kecik."
"Duhh!! Isn't everyone?!"
"Citer aku panjang. Aku kena dengan uncle aku. Confuse, siut. Sanggup dia buat camtu kat budak2 yang tak tau apa2. Sakit. Aku menangis. Aku memang dendam dengan dia sampai sekarang. Sampai mati aku takkan maafkan dia."
"....."
"Aku grew up confused, marah kat diri sendiri. Aku taktau nak cakap kat sapa. Taktau nak mintak tolong kat sapa. Org2 kampung aku kenal dia sapa, kira org yg baik2 jugak, so mesti diaorg tak percaya dia buat macam tu. Akal budak kecik aku ni suruh aku makan banyak2, supaya badan aku besar, nanti aku boleh lawan dia balik, nanti aku boleh jaga adik2 aku kalau diaorg pulak kena kacau."
"....."
"Aku taktau apa diaorg pikir sampai sanggup buat camtu kat budak2 yang tak berakal. Tapi aku macam kena sumpah lak. Aku jatuh cinta dgn lelaki. Buat aku lagi confuse. Untung bebudak sekarang, diaorg byk tmpt nak luahkan perasaan."
"Bukan salah kau, beb... tu aja yg boleh aku cakap. Bukan nak offer comfort, aku tak pandai, tapi mmg bukan salah kau..."
(bersambung bila rajin...)
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